Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
