At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
