Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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