Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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