I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
