how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
