The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
