I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
