If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
