This is not my ceiling
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
