guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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