It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
