she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
In other news, I just burned my penis
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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