I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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