I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize