i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
