How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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