There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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