i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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