Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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