In the future we'll all be gay
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
