I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
