So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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