Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I still have a little drunk in my system
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
