the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
