A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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