did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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