You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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