Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's official drugs can't kill me
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
