Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
