my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
