i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
