That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
