best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
