i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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