I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
