She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I need to align my fucking chakras
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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