so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize