I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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