fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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