Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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