i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
