Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The best revenge is premature balding
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
