I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
