Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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