You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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