my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
