and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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