I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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