There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
