the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
