Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
