I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
