last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
