Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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