I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You pole danced in your parka.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
