I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
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