I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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