Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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