I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize