The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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