My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
